


Breathe

by KatieWrites



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan is just hurt, Fire Fam - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, after bombing, after eddie's street fighting, after tsunami, buddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22049530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieWrites/pseuds/KatieWrites
Summary: Then it was like the world started moving again and he was moving. He had to save Chris because he had failed the first time. He'd be damned if he failed the kid again. His mind was a constant litany of Christopher, breathe. You've gotta breathe! Damn it, breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. He was working harder than he'd ever worked to make the kid breathe. He couldn't just let Chris die. "Please...just breathe," he kept muttering over and over.____________OR the one where Buck just can't catch a break.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 374





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> After the bright comments from the first fic I posted, I decided to write this up. Lemme know what you think!

It was quiet. Finally everything was silent so he could think in peace. Never had he wanted it to be so quiet. His apartment was dark and cold as he sat on the couch. Finally he could lament in peace. 

He knew the fire fam was just trying to look out for him. The constant worrying from his team didn't help to ease his anxiety or make the day any easier. He puffed out a breath and sunk lower into the couch, absently rubbing his leg. It had been bothering him all day...but he hadn't said a word, lest he make them worry more. Was it worth it? Was all of this even worth it? He'd been blown up, been through extensive rehab for his leg, been hospitalized because of a pulmonary embolism because he worked himself too hard, and been through a tsunami-almost managing to get the most precious child in the world killed. Then, because he was a glutton for punishment, he filed a fucking lawsuit against Bobby and the city just to get his job back. After a tense couple of weeks, he was finally getting back to everything being normal and he had to go and fuck that up too.

His sigh was loud in the quiet room. He ran a hand down his face and looked at the clock. 3 AM, he wasn't going to get much sleep before his next shift.

God, the last call had been gruesome. A multi-car pile up with several dead on scene. Buck hadn't seen so many dead since the tsunami. You would think he'd be used to it.

He'd thrown himself into the job when they arrived. He did everything he could for every person he came across. He didn't stop, because if he did, it would be like the tsunami all over again. Then, he'd seen him. The little boy...he looked just like Christopher. Glasses with a yellow shirt. Same fluffy hair...God, it was Christopher all over again. It felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. He had finally found Christopher. 

In that moment, it felt like he was back in the tsunami. In that moment, it felt like the wave was crushing him again. He felt the guilt rise up and everything he'd told himself was fine, wasn't anymore. All the pretending he'd done to prove he was fine was crumbling. In that moment, Buck couldn't stop seeing Christopher lying there. He was frozen above the nine year old. He couldn't see him breathing and he was pretty sure he wasn't breathing either. 

Then it was like the world started moving again and he was moving. He had to save Chris because he had failed the first time. He'd be damned if he failed the kid again. His mind was a constant litany of _Christopher, breathe. You've gotta breathe! Damn it, breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe._ He was working harder than he'd ever worked to make the kid breathe. He couldn't just let Chris die. "Please...just breathe," he kept muttering over and over.

He doesn't know how long he was working on the kid, but apparently it had been long enough to attract the Eddie and the others. They'd had to pry him off the kid. He must have said something about Chris because next thing he knew, Chris' face was popping up on a phone in front of him. 

The rest of the shift, everyone was walking around him like he would break any second. Buck guesses that he would have done the same had it been another teammate who had done what he did...but that didn't stop him from feeling disdain for them walking around on eggshells. Hell, the last time someone was worried about him, he'd kept him from getting back to his family. Buck couldn't go through that again...so he sucked it up. He pretended that nothing was wrong. He paid no mind to his aches and pains, paid no mind to his traumas. He acted normal to get people to stop treating him differently. He couldn't say that it completely worked, but their attitudes did get better over the next few hours. 

For the first time since he came back to work, he was glad when it was time for him to go home. 

That lead him to the present where he could lament the traumas he's suffered. Honestly, he's surprised he made it this long without bursting into tears. For the past 5 hours, he's been staring at the darkened wall, just thinking. Maybe that's why the pounding at the door scared the shit out of him. Looking at the time again, his brows furrowed. Who would be knocking at his door after 3 in the morning? Maybe if he just ignored it, the person would leave thinking that he was asleep. The knocking only became more persistant. "Evan, if you don't open this door, I will break it down." 

Buck had no reason to believe Eddie wouldn't break down his door. He slowly got up, hand hovering over the door knob. He let out another sigh before twisting the door knob. He squinted at the light that poured in. "What's going on, man," Buck's voice cracked. If he had to defend it, he'd blame it on having not talked in a while.

"What's up? You haven't answered any of my calls or texts. You missed movie night with Chris. He's worried about you," Eddie rushes, brushing past Buck and turning on the lights. The underlying 'I'm worried about you' clearly sinking into the younger man. 

"Shit, I forgot...Eddie, man, I'm sorry. I should have-I didn't mean," he puffs out a breath. "I guess my phone's been on silent or something."

"I could hear it ring while I was outside your door, Evan. Where are you?"

"What do you mean? I'm right here."

"But are you with me mentally? Where's your head gone?"

Buck shook his head, going to grab a beer for himself and Eddie. :Don't know what you're talking about. I'm all here, man."

"But that's just it, Ev, you're not. You haven't been since the pileup today." Eddie continued to stare at Buck. He had to find out why Buck was acting out of sorts. He had to know what was going on in Buck's head before it sent Buck spiraling.

Buck ran a hand over his face. "I'm fine."

Eddie and Buck stared at each other. Eddie shook his head. He knew Buck wasn't fine and Buck knew that Buck wasn't fine. "I'd laugh at that if I wasn't worried about you."

"What's there to worry about? Man, I'm fine. You can go now." Buck sighed before he rose an eyebrow at Eddie. "Wait-Eddie-where's Chris? Did you leave him at your house by himself?!"

"You seriously think I'd leave Chris by himself even if he was sleeping? Abuela is with him. She was more than happy to come over when she realized I was trying to make sure you were alright. I know you're not fine, so stop trying to lie to me. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours."

Buck squeezed his eyes shut. Looking at Eddie was making it harder to keep his cool. He could already feel the tears threatening to fall. He swallowed slowly, he couldn't let Eddie see how not put together he was. 

"Buck, please," it was soft and emotion...it caused the floodgates to open.

"It was him. It-It was Chris. I had found him and I couldn't fail him again. I couldn't lose him again! Eddie, I just-I couldn't-I couldn't lose Chris again! He-He was wearing that y-yellow shirt and-and had glasses with the-with the red band...God I got Chris killed. He died tonight Eddie-how-how the fuck are you here and not beating the shit out of me? How can you-how can you not hate me," he was full out crying now.

He honestly couldn't believe it when he felt arms pull him into a solid body. Why was Eddie hugging him instead of hitting him? It didn't make sense. Eddie should hate him-he got Christopher killed for Christ's sake.

"Chris is alive. Chris survived the tsunami. You saved him. That kid today was already dead by the time we got there. That wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault, Evan. I promise you that none of this-the past or the present-is your fault."

"But it is, Eds."

Eddie brought Buck's face closer, their noses brushing. "Even you can't control freak accidents and natural disasters, Ev. If it takes me every day for the rest of my life to make you believe that, so be it." 

A gentle kiss had Buck whimpering when Eddie pulled away. "Don't," his voice was scratchy. "Don't do this just to make me feel better."

"What if it makes us both feel better?"

Buck was quiet a minute, staring int Eddie's brown eyes. "I'd say do it again, then."

"I think that can be arranged."

**Author's Note:**

> Too much angst? Not enough fluff? Please let me know.


End file.
